2:42 PM
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Welcome to the world of online dating. It's an exciting concept, that just a few mouse clicks away you could find the perfect partner. Today I want to talk about one of the most important aspects of online dating, your profile pictures.
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Please tell me that you didn't think you could get through this without putting up a picture at all?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Bad dater, bad!
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
So just to reinforce, you need photos, and you need to know what they are saying. If you put up a photo that you have clearly taken yourself, then it is going to be read as saying you have no friends. Sad, but true.
This is not the time to get scared and stick your head in the sand. By understanding the top mistakes people usually make in their photos, you can get yourself ahead of 90% of the online population. So let's get started.
1. Pictures of Something Else
There are a number of people out there who include a picture of a sunset or a dog as their primary photograph. I can't decide if this is better or worse than not having a photo at all. You might be trying to suggest you like good scenery, but overall it does not come across well. Why don't you want people to see your face? There could be a number of reasons, but none of them are good, and people naturally assume the worst. Yes, you might want to show that you are a dog-lover, but this message is much more effective if you are also in the picture. Otherwise people think the message is that your dog is your more attractive side.
2. Me with All My Mates
The most common type of photo that we take in everyday life is now us with our friends. Therefore, it might appear obvious that you would then use this on your profile. Let me warn you now - don't. Human nature being what it is, everyone is going to assume that you are the ugliest person in the photo, or that at least one of your friends is better looking and a better match. You want to be the major focus of all your photos. You are already competing with everyone else on the site, so why add competition within your own profile as well?
3. Me and My Hot Ex
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. Comic Ugly Shot
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. Professional Photo Shoots.
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. The Drunken Shot
So I can see why you might have drunk photos up on Facebook, but unless you are writing your profile while drunk (which I really do not recommend), then why on earth would you put it up as one of your best and defining looks? If you think the best thing about you is that you get drunk and then ugly, you really need to try a new branding tactic, because that isn't going to appeal to many people.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Please tell me that you didn't think you could get through this without putting up a picture at all?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Bad dater, bad!
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
So just to reinforce, you need photos, and you need to know what they are saying. If you put up a photo that you have clearly taken yourself, then it is going to be read as saying you have no friends. Sad, but true.
This is not the time to get scared and stick your head in the sand. By understanding the top mistakes people usually make in their photos, you can get yourself ahead of 90% of the online population. So let's get started.
1. Pictures of Something Else
There are a number of people out there who include a picture of a sunset or a dog as their primary photograph. I can't decide if this is better or worse than not having a photo at all. You might be trying to suggest you like good scenery, but overall it does not come across well. Why don't you want people to see your face? There could be a number of reasons, but none of them are good, and people naturally assume the worst. Yes, you might want to show that you are a dog-lover, but this message is much more effective if you are also in the picture. Otherwise people think the message is that your dog is your more attractive side.
2. Me with All My Mates
The most common type of photo that we take in everyday life is now us with our friends. Therefore, it might appear obvious that you would then use this on your profile. Let me warn you now - don't. Human nature being what it is, everyone is going to assume that you are the ugliest person in the photo, or that at least one of your friends is better looking and a better match. You want to be the major focus of all your photos. You are already competing with everyone else on the site, so why add competition within your own profile as well?
3. Me and My Hot Ex
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. Comic Ugly Shot
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. Professional Photo Shoots.
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. The Drunken Shot
So I can see why you might have drunk photos up on Facebook, but unless you are writing your profile while drunk (which I really do not recommend), then why on earth would you put it up as one of your best and defining looks? If you think the best thing about you is that you get drunk and then ugly, you really need to try a new branding tactic, because that isn't going to appeal to many people.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
About the Author:
For more practical advice on creating effective online dating profiles, see Buffy Greentree's new book, The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon.
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